You are the undisputed love of my life,
Your affection pierces me like a Ginsu knife.
Though we’ve been together a while, you still give me a thrill
And our passion continues to sizzle like a George Foreman Grill.
The white-hot sun is no match for the flame of our love,
Even just holding your hand nearly requires an ‘Ove’ Glove.
Like a Slap Chop to the heart, each sweet look can break me to pieces,
And your beautiful skin is softer than the finest Snuggie fleeces.
Every kiss still weakens my knees and makes my heart race faster,
Like I just finished a two-hour-long workout on a Thigh Master.
Being sweet, beautiful and smart are all things at which you excel,
And you always carry yourself even more gracefully than someone on Tony Little’s Gazelle.
Every moment that we share is precious and makes me smile a lot,
Even more than watching that hung-over guy on the Magic Bullet TV spot.
No matter what we’re doing, even on the most seemingly dull of dates,
I find your company more seductive than watching someone work out with Shake Weights.
I wish I could sweep you up in my hands and take you wherever I go,
Just like one of those Pocket Fisherman rods sold by Ronco.
With you, I’m my best self, I never feel looser,
Like every worry in the world has been squeezed out by a Jack LaLanne Power Juicer.
Thanks for pushing me to be better and to always go the extra mile,
You smooth my rough edges better than a Ped Egg Foot File.
That’s why you can always count on my unwavering lovin’
Just set it and forget it like a Showtime Rotisserie Oven.
If I had to live without you, I don’t know how I’d ever get by
I’d probably end up worse than that weird Shamwow guy.
Though few things in life are certain, I know a sure bet,
There’s nobody I’d rather have as my one-and-only Pillow Pet.
I promise to make you happy, using each and every means,
Even if you want to spend all our money on nothing but Pajama Jeans.
I want to grow old with you, holding hands in our rockers,
Looking out into the sunset wearing our prescription Blue Blockers.
So, will you be my Valentine? Say, “Yes,” please!
I need an answer today, sorry no COD’s.
But wait there’s more; act now and you’ll receive my happily-ever-after guarantee
So say you’ll be mine so I can finally Stop the Insanity!
Okay, I’ve gone long enough, I’m sorry for rambling,
But one last thing—shipping is free and you know I never charge for handling.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Adam Siegel is the Editor of The Accelerator and a Creative Director at Seed Strategy where he draws upon his diverse experience in advertising, research and innovation to craft breakthrough creative and winning concept copy.
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